Oh Little Faith!

I love the story of Jesus walking on the water.  He was going

to meet the disciples and when they saw Him coming, they were

terrified.  They didn't recognize the man that they had spent endless

hours with because of fear!  Then  Peter says, "Lord if it's you then

tell me to come to you on the water." Oh, Peter!  Jesus tells him to come.

So Peter gets out of the boat and walks towards Jesus but when he 

sees the wind he panics and starts to sink.  He cries out "Jesus 

save me." and Jesus reaches out His hand and catches him.

Don't we all do this at times?

We tell God, "Lord, just let me do this, let me do that,

let me step into this, I am ready for that."

Then, when His perfect timing comes and we do enter into

what we have been waiting for, we often times become

fearful, we panic, we doubt.

We, as Jesus says, are of "little faith".

Today was a prime example of that for me.

My children are out on Spring Break and I love to do

things as a group with other friends and their kids but 

absolutely nothing worked out and I was extremely 

discouraged.  My kids were going stir crazy after three

days of rain and then using yesterday as a cleaning day,

it was time to get out of the house!!  

We went to our appointments this morning and when we 

were done we drove around aimlessly for about 15 minutes.

I knew if I just brought them back home that they would go

bonkers and it would be a "survive til bedtime" kind of day

and that was the last thing I wanted to do.  So we pulled in a 

parking lot and I shut the car off and I said, "We are going to 

sit here for a minute and pray and ask God to give us direction

and wisdom as to what we are to do today."  First, Kaleb prayed,

then Adia, then Kase and I was last.  When we got done 

praying Adia says, "Mom, did God tell you what we are 

suppose to do today?!"  Hahaha.  Unfortunately no, not at that 

point.  

I am just going to be completely transparent for a minute.

I love doing things with my kids but I do not like doing things

that I have no idea how its going to turn out.  I don't like doing

new things by myself or without my husband where the outcome

of what will happen and how the kids are going to behave and

respond is not obvious.  I tend to like the control and expectancy of 

what's to come...for many reasons.  But on the flip side, this is not

how I want to live my life or how I want my children to live theirs

either.

So we came home, ate lunch, grabbed jackets and left the house

once again.  

And am I so glad that we did!!!

We had an amazing afternoon together!!!  I braved taking them 

somewhere we had been before but never alone by myself! 

And we even went to a new place and tried out a new 

adventure that all four of us loved!!  

After I got home this evening, my husband sent me the sweetest

text:

"I'm glad you just went for it and took them places. Awesome

mother."

I cannot tell you what that meant to me.

Isn't that how it is with God?  He is just standing there waiting 

for us to take that step out towards Him, waiting for us to let

our strength and hope rest completely in Him.  And in doing that

comes peace to confront whatever may be lying before us. 

And at the end of it all we will get to hear, 

"Well done good and faithful servant!"

Amen!!!

Where's the hope in Hope?-When it's hard to praise Him in the storm.

Where's the hope in hope?!

Over the past 100 years, there has been a decline in hope,

actually a steady decline since 1900 with it's deepest impact

being from 1980-2000.

If you just look around at the state of our country, society,

churches, and homes it would be easy to say that there is 

absolutely no hope for this place.  Often times I hear people say

"Oh, America is going to hell in a hand basket."  This infuriates me!!

I hate it when people have lost all hope and then continue to 

spew their own hopelessness into an already dire situation.  Do we 

not realize that death and life are in the power of the tongue??

Proverbs 18:22

I have gone through much in life that has given me moments of

hopelessness or as I was younger, moments that completely 

stole all hope I had.  

In less than a five year span of time, my husband and I lost three 

people close to us very suddenly and very tragically. In this world, 

tragedy surrounds us or that has been the case for us.  But when the

last of these three deaths occurred, something changed in me. I was 

hurt, yes.  I wept, yes. But I yielded myself to the Lord thru this. I 

gave myself to Him and asked for Him to please help me search 

myself and give me peace through this.

He woke me up at 2 a.m. one morning and led me over the next

day and a half to just listen and dig into His Word.  The one thing that 

had remained in all of this is the word hope.  I was amazed when I 

looked up the word and saw such a decline in the use of it.  

It was actually heartbreaking.

*The definition of hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a

certain thing to happen.

*The biblical definition of hope is a strong and confident expectation.

(I like that one!!)

*Other words for hope are: utopia, castles in the air, day dream, 

dependence, fools paradise, fortune, greedy glutton, pipe dream,

thing with feathers and wish.

It is easy to see how our society and culture has lost all belief in

hope when they have resolved it to such words as these. 

When I was a teenager, 18, I remember telling a close loved one

that I didn't want to date anyone.  (My dad didn't let us "date" until

we were 18) That I believed if I waited, prayed and was patient 

that God would bring along just the right man at just the right time. I 

will never forget them telling me, "Ashleigh, you're living a fairy tale. 

That's never going to happen."  

In that moment they destroyed all of the ambition, anticipation, aspiration,

belief, confidence, desire, expectancy, faith and promise that God 

would do just that which I had been putting my hope in Him to do.

I would love to say that my "fairy tale" happened the way I was 

hoping for but it did not.  I chose to let God go for a season because

I did not truly understand the depth of His love for me and felt like 

I couldn't be what I had been told I was suppose to be for Him to 

love me.  I did not have a healthy identity in Him at that point in my life.

I gave up on hope.   

More on that at a later time.

The one thing that I have learned through all of this and that has been

so engraved on my heart is this:

"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God 

through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we also we have access 

by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the

glory of God.  And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations,

knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance,

character; and character, hope.  Now hope does not disappoint,

because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy

Spirit who was given to us." Romans 5:1-5

HOPE DOES NOT DISAPPOINT!!!!!

I now know that its okay to grieve and be broken during heartache 

and tribulations but always remember that our hope in Him will never 

disappoint us. His will be the victory over life and death; tragedy and 

circumstance! 

Amen!!!

Hope does not disappoint!!!!

New Beginnings

I love new beginnings.  Change not so much.  The two seem to go hand

in hand yet I am torn with this love/hate relationship with each one.

So here is to new!!

Here is to the smell of refreshing rain!

Here is to spring and planting!

And that is what I hope to do here.

I love to hear from God.  I love when revelation is poured out-even

if it is the most simplest word.  I also LOVE encouraging people.

I want people to truly understand how wonderfully made they are

and how God has such a magnificent plan for each of us!

So join me on this new journey of being vulnerable with you

and continually sensitive to the Holy Spirit as I pour out the little pearls

of revelation and wisdom that I hear and learn through this walk of 

life as a 

wife, 

mother,

sister,

daughter,

and friend!

I am so excited for this new chapter in life!!! 

Come with me!!!

The Value of a Life

Who determines the value of a life?
You?
Your mother?
Your father?
Your friends?
Your enemies?
Who has the ultimate say on whether your life is worth living??
What about if it's worth dying for?

I am in a place where there has been quite a bit of change in my life.  I made a choice to
lay down my job as a preschool teacher to be able to be home full time with my son.
This was a very painful decision for me because I LOVED my job....but I love my son
more.

I honestly am enjoying the peace that has come during this transition.  No, things haven't
been easy peasy but they are a little more calm.  Still in all of this, I have at moments felt
like a failure---like I failed myself or my child in some way.  And I have also had moments
of disheartening reality.  Is this all I am ever going to be?  Will I ever have a job that will
help contribute to our family financially?  Am I always going to be a stay at home mom?
It's made me deeply question who I am and what value do I have.

I have always had a deep rooted desire to be a difference maker.  As I child I had two
solid beliefs- 1.) That I would live to be 100 years old.  and 2.) That I was going to make
history one day.  Little did I know that yes, one day, I would be a part of His-story but
that everything in "life" would challenge those two beliefs.

I am not confused about my identity.  I know who I am.  And I know who I am in Him.
And as I get older, I become more and more comfortable in my own skin.  I love being
home with my son; homeschooling him for this season.  I love being a mom.  I eagerly
look forward to being fully available to all three of my children next school year as they
each go off to full day school and I get this much anticipated season of rest.

But I am at that point that I'm sure we all tend to get to---where from the depth's of our
soul we are crying out, "God, when???"

I am quickly reminded of Esther and how she had to go through a year long process
before she could even go before the King.

When the wait is overwhelming, we must continue to trust and wait some more.

We live in such a fast paced, instantly gratifying society that we are too impatient to
go through the process of purifying that it takes for us to step into the perfectly laid
purpose that He has set out before us.

I don't want to fast forward and not have what it takes to walk this out with boldness,
humility and grace.

Day after day I will continue to hold on to His promise-
"Wait on the Lord;
Be of good courage,
And He shall strengthen your heart;
Wait, I say, on the Lord'
Psalms 27:14

I know at just the right time, in just the right season that the next facet of my beautifully
laid purpose will unfold right before me!

Miracle In Progress-Part 3-Update

It has definitely been a while since I have got to update on the progress of my iritis.  Please forgive me.  This post will get you all caught up on everthing!!

At the end of June, I had a follow up visit and everything was looking great and right on track with my eye!!!  The dr was very pleased and reduced the amount of steroid drops to twice a day of each for two weeks!! Then I went back the second week of July for my next appointment and he said everything looked great and he wanted to keep me on the drops at the same dosage for just two more weeks then after that I could completely stop!!!  Praise the Lord!!  He also said that I wouldn't have to come in for anymore appointments!!!  Huge relief!!  Even though he had really been blessing us throughout this whole process with his generosity financially, it was a burden lifted off my shoulders to not have to pay out anymore in doctors visits for this.....at this point, we have probably paid out about $700......ON AN EYE!!! Crazy!!  Yes, I know it could always be worse.  But I know Satan was really attacking us in every way with this....especially financially!!!  In May, Mike and I had finally jointly decided that we were starting the Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace Program to manage our finances better and eliminate the little bit of debt we do have....and BAM! here we go in June and we get hit with this and other things that have came up throughout the summer!!  Thank heavens for our emergency fund we had in place and for God always being faithful and providing above and beyond!!

So my eye was right on track and on the Monday of the last week that I was finishing up the eye drops, my husband's brother passed away unexpectedly.  This has been a really difficult time for all of us.  Nothing can prepare you for a death that happens suddenly.  About a week and a half after Jeff passed away, I started noticing my eye was becoming blurry again even though I had continued on the drops.  I gave it a few days and then called the nurse at the drs office.....verdict, stress can cause iritis to flare up.  When you are under an enormous amount of stress, your body becomes really out of whack.  Your immune system doesn't work as it should and even though you try your best to take care of yourself during this time, its just not enough....it takes a toll on you physically.  Therefore, once again, it is taking it out on my eye.  Yes, this was kind of devastating because I had been so diligent about taking care of my eye and was so excited about being at the end of this.  And I felt like I should have done more to prevent it from flaring up again.  But in reality, there was nothing I could do.  Nothing that I would have done differently would have made things better.  So now I am back on the drops more and have to work from there.

This has not discourage me at all!!!  I know now that Satan's clock is counting down and this attack that he has placed on my body is coming to an end and God will be victorious!!!  The attacks of the enemy are only temporary but the faithfulness and mercy of God are eternal!!!

Ashleigh

Miracle in Progress-Part 2-Second Visit

     After 3 days of putting Prednisolone eye drops in my eyes every hour as well as Ketorolac three times a day, it was finally time for my second visit with the Doctor. During the 3 days that I had between visits, I had time to look up this crazy inflammation that decided to take over my poor eye.  Initially, I wasn't going to look up any of it!!  I didn't want all of the "facts" or "opinions" to try and infiltrate my optimism.  But then I decided TO check it out just so I can see how awesome of a miracle that is going to be performed!!  The one thing that really has stuck with me is Iritis is the third leading cause of preventable blindness!!!  How crazy?!  Mike and I never go to the Doctor unless something is SERIOUSLY!!! wrong.  In fact, the eight years that we have been together, Mike has NEVER once been to the doctor other than his eye doctor because he has astigmatism and wears contacts!!  But I could have lost the vision completely in my eye had I not been proactive and went to see the Doctor!!

     Luckily, 79% of people who do get this never get it again and they never know what caused it!! But the other 21% of people who have it to reoccur have a deep problem within their bodies and then they have to find the source of what is causing the inflammation to come (i.e; diseases, certain syndromes, infections, etc).  These are just the facts.....I am not focused on what could possibly be but on what IS going to be and that is a complete and total healing to my sight.  In words of a close friend, "Better than perfect vision restored!!"

     Thursday, June 20th, rolls around.  I was actually excited to be going to this appointment!!  No, I couldn't tell a difference in anything really except for my headaches had subsided and my eye didn't feel as "full" as it did when I had went in on Monday.  But my vision was still really blurry and very sensitive to bright light.  Despite all of that, I knew we were going to get good news.  I could just feel it!!  So they call me back, check the pressure in my eye, do a vision test, and the Doctor once again thoroughly examines my eye again.  He turns and types on the computer then turns back around to explain everything to me. (I'm beginning to see a pattern here. Hahaha.)  On Monday when I came in the pressure in my eye was a 25 which is really high and today it was a 19, which is high but its a normal high. So we were back in the safe zone.  My vision HAD improved and I had no idea!!!  I was able to distinguish more letters and easier than I had been able to at my first appointment!!  Also, he said the inflammation is responding to the steroid eye drops!!! (Hallelujah!!  The last thing I want to have to do is take an oral steroid OR have injections in my eye ball!!!)  He said when I came in on Monday, on a scale of 1 to 4, he would have rated me a 3+, almost 4, my eye was so severely inflamed and today he was rating me a 2!!!  He said this was the best case scenario for our time frame!!  Now we are going to start tapering off the steroid drops for the next week to start the weaning process.  We can't stop them cold turkey because the inflammation will just come back and worse than it was before so we have to take it really slow and make sure the eye is still responding to them while we reduce the amount needed until the inflammation is completely gone.

     I was on cloud 9!!  This WAS the miracle I had been praying for.  Yes, I wanted to be completely and totally healed by that appointment.  But even though that didn't come at this one, it doesn't make the miracle of how far I had come in three days any LESS of a miracle for how bad off my eye actually was.  Healings sometimes take time and faith and being steadfast on what you know is the true and perfect will of God.

     While we were wrapping up the appointment, the Doctor told me he was going to put a drop of Atrophine in my eye to cause it to dilate for a while to keep any of the white blood cells and inflammation from wanting to stick to my iris and cause permanent damage to it (hence why I have been walking around with a crazy eye lately!! ;)  Then I went to check out with the receptionist.  They are such a fun loving group of people up there and were all joking around and talking with me so it took a good minute to get my next appointment scheduled.  When the receptionist handed me my appointment card she said, "Alright, we will see you next Thursday!!"  And I looked at her all confused with my check already written out just waiting on her to tell me the total, "Wait, I have to pay you for today!!"  To which she replies, "No sweetheart, the Doctor no charged your visit today!!"  I was so caught off guard.  My heart fell to my knees and I thought I was going to break into a million pieces on the office floor.  I could not believe it.  We had budgeted everything out for our week; tithes and offering, groceries, gas, etc, and had a certain amount left and were praying that it would cover my visit and I took it in faith that it was enough and the Doctor no charged my visit!!!!!  Is anyone getting this?!?!  Am I the only person in the world that gets completely moved when I realize that someone else has paid the price for ME?!?!  I have had people buy my food in a drive thru and to hear the words, "Oh, its already been paid for you." always brings me to want to move in way more compassion than I was ever operating in before.  God giving us Jesus as a living sacrifice to pay for all of our sins on the cross over 2000 years ago is the greatest gift I have ever been given.  But to have people to remind me of this through acts of kindness, love and compassion tears me up every.single.time.

     Lord, I am amazed by you!!  You are so faithful.  You know my needs and provide for them.  You never cease to blow my mind when I least expect it!!  I love you so much, Father and look forward to the miracle you will continue pouring out through this journey that I am going through.  I pray that these words and this testimony will touch someone else, that it will bring hope to those who are in similar situations and are having to learn to completely rely on You.  That in it all You will be given all of the praise!!!  You are so worthy, Lord....so so worthy!!

Miracle in Progress-Part 1-Diagnosis

On June 8, 2013, I had been having a great time with my children playing outside all morning, eating popsicles for breakfast, doing yard work with their Daddy.  It started out like the perfect day, but shortly after lunch, I got really sick to my stomach all of a sudden.  Then came the headaches and nausea.  I have not felt that bad in so long and even got to the point of wondering if I was somehow pregnant even though Mike and I had really actively been using protection for once in our lives!!! But thankfully the Lord decided not to give us such a wonderful blessing at this point in our lives and I just chopped it up to not feeling so great that day.  I asked some of my closest friends to please pray for me because I was completely miserable.  The next day, I woke up feeling better but by the time I made it to church the nausea had came back with a vengeance!!  While sitting in church I noticed my right eye was acting a little off and was blurry.  I had been having a little blurriness 2 days prior to getting sick but didn’t think anything of it but it seemed to be worse now.  So I figured I must have gotten food poisoning because Mike said he had been sick on his stomach too and my eyes were just acting funny and left it at that.  About midway through the week I finally got passed the nausea and upset stomach and was finally able to eat but the headaches and blurry vision remained, it was like looking through cloudy milk and I could see black stringy spots floating around when I tried focusing to look out of it.  By Friday, I was asking for prayers once again.  I really don’t like having to ask people to pray for me, even those closest to me.  I would much rather be praying for other people and pouring out on them than to have to ask for it for myself.  Mike left to go spear fishing for his Father’s Day weekend Saturday morning, the 15^th, at about 5 am. And I got up with the kids at about 7.  When I walked into the bathroom and looked into the mirror, the entire white in my eye ball was completely red.  I knew it wasn’t pink eye or a normal type infection you would typically get in your eye.  So I called the doctor’s office and they scheduled me an appointment for Monday afternoon.  Monday rolls around and I go to our family optometrist and he checks out my eye and noticed that my cornea is inflamed.  He dilates my eyes so he can see all behind them and informs me that the jelly behind my cornea is also inflamed and tells me he wants me to go see a specialist.  He can treat the inflamed cornea but not the further extent of the problem.  I honestly believe he wanted to get a second opinion because of what he saw.  So I get sent straight over to the specialist who sees me right when their office is closing.  They do a retina scan of both of my eyes, a pressure check, and then the doctor comes and examines my right eye very thoroughly.  He types on his computer and then turns around to talk to me. He was very straight forward, which is what I like.  Don’t sugar coat it, please just tell me like it is.  He said that I have iritis, a very bad inflammation in my eye, and it is a pretty bad case but treatable.  We are going to try to treat it with steroid drops but if that doesn’t work, then we will try an oral steroid and if that doesn’t work then I will have to have the steroids injected straight into my eye ball. He told me that it will take a good long while to completely get over this and that I will have to come in and see him several times before we are finished.  Then he turned and looked at me and said, “ I see you have no insurance.”  “I don’t and that is the most intimidating part about all of this!!”  Then he said, “ I have been exactly where you are.  I am not about to rake you over the coals or take advantage of you.  I do expect to get paid for my services but I won’t take advantage of your situation because you are going to have to keep coming back.”  I almost started crying right there.  This Doctor who took extra time out of his day to see me after hours, had so much compassion for me and the situation I was in with my eye.  

The entire time while I had been hearing all of the good, bad and ugly that came along with my diagnosis, I just had complete peace and kept singing inside myself the lyrics to a Rick Pino song, “I’m leaning on my Beloved.  Leaning on my Beloved.”  And throughout it, I was leaning on God and the testimony that will arise out of this and bring Him so much glory and honor and praise…but I felt like He was just wrapping me up in His arms and letting me see and feel that no matter what comes, what I am faced with, what Satan tries to hinder or throw at me, that He is there…He IS FAITHFUL…HE IS A COMPASSIONATE AND LOVING FATHER WHO HAS THE MOST DEVOTED HEART FOR HIS CHILDREN!!!

When I was leaving, the Doctor went over the billing with me and charged me half of what I should have been charged!!  What a blessing!!  So I scheduled my appointment for Thursday and left.  I was in so much shock, honestly.  I kinda thought I was going to get told that I had three babies really quickly, I’m getting older, my body isn’t what it use to be and my eyes are taking the brunt of it so I needed glasses.  But no, it wasn’t anything like that at all!!  It was my immune system is attacking itself for some unknown reason and it just took it out and manifested on my right eye!  This was on the complete opposite end of the spectrum!!!  I was confused for about five minutes…I had a moment of “really?! Why me?” and then got my focus on The One back and was able to look at the bigger picture a little.  There will come good out of this!!  There will come a victorious testimony!!  Spiritual growth and reliance on Him will happen through this healing process!!  A miracle will arise!!!  I am more than confident in who He is and what He is going to do !!!  My heart and lips will praise Him through every day of this attack and trial that I am walking through.  My faith will not waiver for my trust is in Him!!